Church Leadership Conversations

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  George Barna: Revolutionary Parenting: What the Research Shows Really Works

Pollster George Barna interviews quality Christian young adults in their twenties–asking them about their parents.  Then he interviews those parents about their secrets to success.  Because of this method and because Barna also has teenage daughters, the book places much greater emphasis on parenting teenagers than parenting toddlers like John Rosemond emphasizes.  (See my review of Parenting by the Book by John Rosemond).
    Barna argues for very involved conservative cautious parenting.  At first glance, this sharply contrasts with Rosemond who emphasized that many parents do too much for their children so that the children are never disappointed or find their self-esteem questioned.  Barna wants to see parents who spend enormous amounts of time with their children, thinking through every situation with their child.  He regularly emphasizes the relationship you have with your child.  Rosemond emphasizes that the child must know the parent is the parent.  But in the end, their advice is actually quite compatible.  Both are very pessimistic about "postmodern" culture and feel parents need to take drastic steps to correct and guide their children or they will not become young adults with strong Christian character.
    Positively, the idea to interview spiritually strong young adults and ask them and their parents about parenting is a pretty good method.  I suppose we could all do the same–asking teens who turned out well what their parents did and asking their parents as well for their advice. 
    Negatively, the book is a hodgepodge of ideas with little overriding message. 

    Three things I took from the book which you surely would not because they are rather minor parts of the book: 
1. Read the Bible and pray with your kids (p. 32, 96) though a number of the exemplary parents admit their systematic attempts failed.  I still want us as a family to find ways to do these things at a level our kids (ages 4 and 20 mos) understand.  What I mean is that I continue to want us to use short prayers, songs, Kids Praise CD's, Jungle Jam CD's, kids' books, as well as the constant teachable moments. 
2. I need to let up slightly on the kids about whining–which I have been frustrated about.  If they end up doing the desired behavior with a few groans, complaints, questions and protests–that is about all you can ask for.  I drew this from a comment by one of the exemplary young adults who reflected,

3. Barna talks alot about watching movies, etc. with your children and helping them analyze the message and assumptions contained therein.  This idea just raises for me the need for parents to be attentive–to listen–to their children–to really try to hear those gears turning and get in touch with what those little minds are processing and thinking.  This takes some intentionality. 

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  John Rosemond: Parenting by The Book: Biblical Wisdom for Raising Your Child

John Rosemond became a Christian around the year 2000 after many years as a psychologist and parenting expert.   Parenting by the Book is a polemical account against what he calls "Postmodern Psychological Parenting."  The book needs to be read as a whole–the final chapter (11) includes all of the practical stuff about discipline and he qualifies his openness to spanking in chapter 10 (Cf. p. 216-221).

He denigrates psychology and idealizes traditional parenting. 

To a large extent, I think Rosemond is right.  His discipline strategy is summarized by "communication, consequences, consistency." 

Particularly vividly Rosemond mocks "today's parents . . . [who] plead, bargain, bribe, cajole, reason, explain and threaten" (p. 235, Cf. 238-239).  Parents who have a screaming child is probably give him too much attention when he screams rather than ignoring it.  Why does the child scream?  "His parents cared if he screamed" (p. 236).

He supports vivid varied consequences that make it unmistakeably clear to a child that a particular behavior is indeed wrong. Time-outs are not drastic enough.  "Time-out is silly and pointless because it creates no lasting, discomforting memory" (247). 

In the afterword, he urges parents to consider homeschooling and to protect children vigorously from exposure to television and the internet. 

Rosemond is particularly strong in arguing for the importance of character formation.  As a parent, it is easy to daydream about the skills and abilities of one's child.  Rosemond hammers home the importance of a child's character.  I think he is right about this.  The book of Proverbs makes clear that a child who lives a good life will ultimately have a happier life.  The child who is self-centered will be disliked by their teachers, coaches, classmates and teammates.

As we think about leaving our children with friends for a few days in July, I have been more cognizant that I want to prepare them to be obedient.  I do not want a babysitter to have to dance around their idiosycracies–"I want THAT cereal, not THAT one."  Ugh!  That would be embarrassing!  It is much better for the kids to learn to obey an adult.  Whining, disobedience and cruelty must be weeded out.  I have become more and more aware that when my children are in the nursery, etc., they are NOT the most well-behaved of all the children. 

I really want them to learn to be helpful to other children, to talk with adults, to do as they are told (clean up toys, put on their clothes, etc.).   

I am glad to say they are not out of control or a pain to us but in pressure situations, it is often revealed that they have not learned that we mean what we say.  In situations where there is no pressure, we have been too lenient–so of course they have not learned.  

In terms of critique, Rosemond's approach comes close to behaviorism though he himself thoroughly disavows that approach as applying to animals not human beings (Cf. p.60).  I think there are more positive things to be said of children and parenting than what one finds in Rosemond's book.  Still, the no-nonsense traditional approach is a very important perspective that no parent should dismiss without careful thought.   

The no-nonsense approach of Rosemond reminds me of the philosopher
Alasdair MacIntyre, ethicist Stanley Hauerwas, theologian Karl Barth,
and financial radio talk show host Dave Ramsey!  Each of them say that
what is old is probably more reliable than new-fangled
get-rich/good/smart schemes thought up yesterday.

Disclaimers: I read much of the book a couple weeks ago and remember less about the earlier chapters.  I do not approve of everything in this book.  I'm reading these parenting books for my own benefit–to hear different perspectives.  I have 8 parenting books sitting here next to me (see Parenting books I might read) but this was the first one I read.  By the way, Rosemond praises James Dobson and Kevin Leman and dismisses Dr. Phil, 1-2-3 Magic, and others.

See also my post:

Turansky / Miller vs. Rosemond