Category: Books

• 

  Joanne Miller and Scott Turansky: Parenting is Heart Work

This is the third and best book of the three parenting books I have read so far.  It reflects the difficulty and complexity of parenting.  The goal is to raise children of character.  This is enormously difficult and the book reflects this.  I found it challenging and convicting.  I think Rosemond is more focused on ages 2-4, Barna teenagers, and
Turansky and Miller on elementary age children which I think explains
a lot of the differences.

Positively and negatively, the book is very "evangelical."  It is unapologetically Christian–using many references to the Bible.  It does not quote any studies or cite data though there is an unnamed "cognitive therapy" approach throughout.  The authors are concerned to develop "right thinking" which for them is mature Christian thinking.  This is good but it is probably disingenous not to admit the psychological roots of their approach.  The way they ground this approach is to liberally sprinkle their approach with references to the word "heart" in the Bible.  This is one of the ways that the Bible is used in ways that are arbitrary and misguided.  As they admit, the word "heart" is used in a host of different ways.  There are many other words in the Bible that convey similar concepts: covenant, love, soul, trust, faith, justice, wisdom, mind, spirit, strength, joy, peace.  Still, their use of the word "heart"  to emphasize that emotions, character and will are important as opposed to just behavior is most welcome.  (Read New Testament scholar Matthew Elliott's book Feel: The Power of Listening to Your Heart (Tyndale: 2008) for more about the importance of emotions for Christians).

Another small example is that the book cites King David as a model father when in
reality Solomon and most of his other children (Absalom) did not turn
out well.

It is obnoxious that the book advertises "Dr. Scott Turansky" when what
he has is a "D.Min"–a three year part-time degree–which hardly
compares to the Ph.D., M.D., and Psy.D. that most other parenting
experts with the title "Dr." have.  (I like D.Min. degrees but they should not be confused with other doctorates.  For more about the D.Min. degree, see my post Advice about Duke Th.D. and Ph.D programs in theology)

Turansky and Miller emphasize "Breaks" rather than "Time-outs" (though they are quite similar). An earlier book by them Home Improvement has more details about this.   

This book recommends the soft-side of parenting–touch, kindness, gifts and sweetness.

I really liked the emphasis on "teaching" and not "justice" (p. 190). 

Even though there are a few criticisms here, I thought all in all the book gives excellent advice that I would wholeheartedly support. 

It is very important that you also read my post:

• Turansky / Miller vs. Rosemond

It also has a disclaimer about how I am approaching these books. 

• 

  George Barna: Revolutionary Parenting: What the Research Shows Really Works

Pollster George Barna interviews quality Christian young adults in their twenties–asking them about their parents.  Then he interviews those parents about their secrets to success.  Because of this method and because Barna also has teenage daughters, the book places much greater emphasis on parenting teenagers than parenting toddlers like John Rosemond emphasizes.  (See my review of Parenting by the Book by John Rosemond).
    Barna argues for very involved conservative cautious parenting.  At first glance, this sharply contrasts with Rosemond who emphasized that many parents do too much for their children so that the children are never disappointed or find their self-esteem questioned.  Barna wants to see parents who spend enormous amounts of time with their children, thinking through every situation with their child.  He regularly emphasizes the relationship you have with your child.  Rosemond emphasizes that the child must know the parent is the parent.  But in the end, their advice is actually quite compatible.  Both are very pessimistic about "postmodern" culture and feel parents need to take drastic steps to correct and guide their children or they will not become young adults with strong Christian character.
    Positively, the idea to interview spiritually strong young adults and ask them and their parents about parenting is a pretty good method.  I suppose we could all do the same–asking teens who turned out well what their parents did and asking their parents as well for their advice. 
    Negatively, the book is a hodgepodge of ideas with little overriding message. 

    Three things I took from the book which you surely would not because they are rather minor parts of the book: 
1. Read the Bible and pray with your kids (p. 32, 96) though a number of the exemplary parents admit their systematic attempts failed.  I still want us as a family to find ways to do these things at a level our kids (ages 4 and 20 mos) understand.  What I mean is that I continue to want us to use short prayers, songs, Kids Praise CD's, Jungle Jam CD's, kids' books, as well as the constant teachable moments. 
2. I need to let up slightly on the kids about whining–which I have been frustrated about.  If they end up doing the desired behavior with a few groans, complaints, questions and protests–that is about all you can ask for.  I drew this from a comment by one of the exemplary young adults who reflected,

3. Barna talks alot about watching movies, etc. with your children and helping them analyze the message and assumptions contained therein.  This idea just raises for me the need for parents to be attentive–to listen–to their children–to really try to hear those gears turning and get in touch with what those little minds are processing and thinking.  This takes some intentionality.