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Parenting by the Book by John Rosemond

John Rosemond became a Christian around the year 2000 after many years as a psychologist and parenting expert.   Parenting by the Book is a polemical account against what he calls "Postmodern Psychological Parenting."  The book needs to be read as a whole–the final chapter (11) includes all of the practical stuff about discipline and he qualifies his openness to spanking in chapter 10 (Cf. p. 216-221).

He denigrates psychology and idealizes traditional parenting. 

To a large extent, I think Rosemond is right.  His discipline strategy is summarized by "communication, consequences, consistency." 

1. Disciplinary communication (communicating instructions, limits, and expectations) must command!
2. Disciplinary consequences must compel
3. Disciplinary consistency must confirm the parent's determination to further the best interests of the child in question.  (p. 225). 
 

Particularly vividly Rosemond mocks "today's parents . . . [who] plead, bargain, bribe, cajole, reason, explain and threaten" (p. 235, Cf. 238-239).  Parents who have a screaming child is probably give him too much attention when he screams rather than ignoring it.  Why does the child scream?  "His parents cared if he screamed" (p. 236).

He supports vivid varied consequences that make it unmistakeably clear to a child that a particular behavior is indeed wrong. Time-outs are not drastic enough.  "Time-out is silly and pointless because it creates no lasting, discomforting memory" (247). 

In the afterword, he urges parents to consider homeschooling and to protect children vigorously from exposure to television and the internet. 

Rosemond is particularly strong in arguing for the importance of character formation.  As a parent, it is easy to daydream about the skills and abilities of one's child.  Rosemond hammers home the importance of a child's character.  I think he is right about this.  The book of Proverbs makes clear that a child who lives a good life will ultimately have a happier life.  The child who is self-centered will be disliked by their teachers, coaches, classmates and teammates.

As we think about leaving our children with friends for a few days in July, I have been more cognizant that I want to prepare them to be obedient.  I do not want a babysitter to have to dance around their idiosycracies–"I want THAT cereal, not THAT one."  Ugh!  That would be embarrassing!  It is much better for the kids to learn to obey an adult.  Whining, disobedience and cruelty must be weeded out.  I have become more and more aware that when my children are in the nursery, etc., they are NOT the most well-behaved of all the children. 

I really want them to learn to be helpful to other children, to talk with adults, to do as they are told (clean up toys, put on their clothes, etc.).   

I am glad to say they are not out of control or a pain to us but in pressure situations, it is often revealed that they have not learned that we mean what we say.  In situations where there is no pressure, we have been too lenient–so of course they have not learned.  

In terms of critique, Rosemond's approach comes close to behaviorism though he himself thoroughly disavows that approach as applying to animals not human beings (Cf. p.60).  I think there are more positive things to be said of children and parenting than what one finds in Rosemond's book.  Still, the no-nonsense traditional approach is a very important perspective that no parent should dismiss without careful thought.   

The no-nonsense approach of Rosemond reminds me of the philosopher
Alasdair MacIntyre, ethicist Stanley Hauerwas, theologian Karl Barth,
and financial radio talk show host Dave Ramsey!  Each of them say that
what is old is probably more reliable than new-fangled
get-rich/good/smart schemes thought up yesterday.

Disclaimers: I read much of the book a couple weeks ago and remember less about the earlier chapters.  I do not approve of everything in this book.  I'm reading these parenting books for my own benefit–to hear different perspectives.  I have 8 parenting books sitting here next to me (see Parenting books I might read) but this was the first one I read.  By the way, Rosemond praises James Dobson and Kevin Leman and dismisses Dr. Phil, 1-2-3 Magic, and others.

See also my post:

Turansky / Miller vs. Rosemond

Categories
Books Parenting website

Parenting books I might read

I looked up parenting books on Amazon.com tonight and ordered these nine from the library.
 

Parenting books I might read


It occurred to me that all of these are books are popular presentations
of a mix of psychological and sociological statistics and theology and
that I am going to be annoyed by the methodology asking questions like, "you are drawing that conclusion from this one experience with your kids?!  Couldn't a lot of other factors have contributed to those positive results?  Correlation is not causation!"  But I also think
that in research sometimes it is helpful to read the popular stuff to
get familiar with the topic and then wade into the research behind the
books later.
  Furthermore, I trust myself enough to discern the wheat from the chaff and honestly I am often helped by the word on the street even if it is not quite right.  It still stimulates you to think.  Being a parent takes all of the wisdom I can get. 

Categories
Books Ecclesiology Leadership Pastor's Life Willow Creek Community Church

How to Read Hybels: Book Review of Axiom by Bill Hybels

Axiom by Bill Hybels

Bill Hybels started Willow Creek Community Church in 1975. It is probably the
most influential church in the United States and also one of the largest with a
weekly attendance of some 23,500 people. In Axiom: Powerful Leadership Proverbs, Hybels
gives 76 leadership tips and briefly describes each in 2-3 pages. Most will find
the book inspiring and thought-provoking. But this is a book that will be
incomprehensible to others and revolting to a few.

If you sense that churches are too often poorly managed, their programs
shoddy, their staff aimless, and their efforts mediocre, you will love this
book. Hybels's father expected him to take on the family business but instead
Bill decided to plant a church and he has managed it better than most
businesses.  Hybels sees no reason why the doing things well is inconsistent
with God's work.

But, if you think the pastor's role is to be a nurturing shepherd and that a
church should never grow beyond the size where the pastor can know everyone's
name, then Hybels's advice will be incomprehensible to you and likely disgust
you. The kindly parish priest—who preaches, administers the sacraments, and
visits the sick—Hybels is not.

The insights of Hybels—many of which assume a large paid staff—will apply
best to the pastor of a church with 500 or more weekly attendance because at
this size it is difficult for the pastor to oversee everything and his or her
role begins to entail significant staff supervision. According to Duke
sociologist Mark Chaves in Congregations in America, in 1998, "71
percent of [U.S. congregations] have fewer than one hundred regularly
participating adults" (p.17-18). The size of the church radically changes the
way a pastor functions. (See also his post Congregational Size). Roy M. Oswald writes in "How to Minister
Effectively in Family, Pastoral, Program, and Corporate Sized Churches"
of
the smallest size of congregation,

This small church can also be called a Family Church because it functions
like a family with appropriate parental figures. It is the patriarchs and
matriarchs who control the church's leadership needs. What Family Churches want
from clergy is pastoral care, period. For clergy to assume that they are also
the chief executive officer and the resident religious authority is to make a
serious blunder. The key role of the patriarch or matriarch is to see to it that
clergy do not take the congregation off on a new direction of ministry. Clergy
are to serve as the chaplain of this small family.

But one need not confront the family of the church antagonistically, one can
learn to thrive as a pastor of a smaller congregation by soaking in the rich
work of Eugene
Peterson
, enjoying the delightful little book The Art of Pastoring by David Hansen, and learning
from the example of the wise Father
Tim
in the fictional Mitford series by Jan Karon.

Another complication besides size for some readers will be that many
denominations closely define the role of the pastor and the local church with
policies and committees. Hybels had the freedom and danger of making these
structures up as he went along as the founder of an independent
nondenominational church. I would recommend the writings of Will
Willimon
, Patrick
Keifert
, Alan
Roxburgh
, and Mark
Lau Branson
 for advice about navigating leadership and effectiveness issues
in an established small denominational church.

Finally, there are those who argue that a church with 500 plus weekly
attendance and multiple staff loses much of the intimacy and flexibility of what
a church should be. To Alan
Hirsch
, David Fitch, Neil Cole and Frank Viola, Hybels's tips would
probably be evidence of the corporate, cold, impersonal and bureaucratic dark
side of the large “attractional model” church. However, even they might find the
insights of Hybels valuable in their efforts leading large church planting
organizations.

Despite the disclaimer that pastors of small churches, ministers of
denominational churches, and critics of large churches may be turned off by this
book, let me praise this book for what it is: candid insights by an extremely
capable church leader. A sign of Hybels's considerable leadership ability is
that he could not help but start a huge consulting arm called the Willow Creek
Association and a widely-acclaimed annual leadership conference The Leadership
Summit—there was huge demand for his advice.

The 57-year-old's tone is intense. He sounds like a drill-sergeant, a CEO, or
a tough football coach. This week Connecticut
basketball coach Jim Calhoun
was hospitalized for dehydration. A nurse asked
him, "Are you type A?" to which he replied, "What's beyond that?" I thought of
Hybels. Hybels writes, "Those who know me well know that I'm intense and
activistic. For me, the bigger the challenge, the more I like it. I've always
pushed myself hard to solve problems, raise the bar, and make as many gains for
God as I possibly can" (142). Hybels's personality reminds me of the apostle
Paul, the Puritan Richard
Baxter
, Methodism founder John
Wesley
and the energetic Dietrich
Bonhoeffer
—they are all driven and intense. Out of the 76 tips, all but
about a handful suggest the need for harder and more strategic work. Still,
Hybels tells of a few ways he has learned to soften his approach and slow down
his pace. See for example, 9. "The Fair Exchange Value," 58. "Create Your Own
Finish Lines" and 75. "Fight for Your Family."

The 2-3 page tips and stories are a great medium for his thoughts. He
illustrates and explains his ideas clearly. It is an easy read. If you liked
this book, also read the 99 practical hints in Simply Strategic Stuff by Tim Stevens and Tony Morgan.  Both these books give the
uninitiated and naive church leader a glimpse of the nuts and bolts of the
dreaded "administrative" part of pastoral ministry.

If you are not turned off by Axiom, perhaps you belong serving in a
larger church where these leadership and organizational skills are highly
valued. Chaves points out that more and more people are attending large churches
so it is not correct to see them as an anomaly: "the median person is in a
congregation with four hundred regular participants" (p.18). Or you may resonate
with Hybels and play the thankless but necessary reforming role in the small
church. Or you may take his insights and apply them to the pioneering
entrepreneurial work of a new church plant.

I am grateful for the opportunity to hear the candid thoughts as over a lunch
conversation from one of the most important American church leaders in the last 25
years.  Hybels may eventually write an autobiography but much of what is
fascinating about him he has generously already shared in Axiom.