Category: Parenting website

Below I have sketched some of the major differences between two Christian parenting philosophies.     

See my reviews of their books: 

Parenting by the Book by John Rosemond
Parenting is Heart Work by Joanne Miller and Scott Turansky

Both gave me good things to think about.

The two lists of items below should be compared and contrasted (1 with 1, 2 with 2, etc.).

John Rosemond:

1. Parents should raise kids to be independent. 
2. Parents should not be helicopter parenting–hovering over their children. 
3. The marriage comes first. 
4. Children need to know they are not the center of the universe.  
5. Children should do as much as they are able to do for themselves.  
6. Discipline should be severe enough that it gets the child's attention.  
7. The parent must live their own life.  
8. Children don't need a bunch of extracurricular activities like sports. 

Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller:

1. Parents should raise their children to think Christianly. 
2. Parents should always be brainstorming, teaching, and subtly directing the child's development. 
3. Parenting takes an enormous amont of attentiveness to the child.
4. Parents should be extremely patient and attentive to the child. 
5. Children should be constantly monitored to make sure they are having accurate thoughts–neither prideful, nor discouraged.  
6. Severe discipline backfires–the child will become rebellious.  
7. Parents should spend time preparing to teach the child creative lessons about life.  
8. Children benefit from the influence of other people such as coaches and teammates. 

Disclaimer: The academic in me feels bad not putting footnotes with page numbers by all of these perceptions.  These are not direct quotes.  They are rather my impressions of how the philosophies differ.  I think to a large degree these two philosophies could be reconciled but I think it is useful to see the different emphases.  Because I am trying to read 8 parenting books (Parenting books I might read) I have other stuff I am supposed to be doing (including parenting), I am reading these books rather quickly.  I'm reading these books because I want to be a better parent. 

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  Joanne Miller and Scott Turansky: Parenting is Heart Work

This is the third and best book of the three parenting books I have read so far.  It reflects the difficulty and complexity of parenting.  The goal is to raise children of character.  This is enormously difficult and the book reflects this.  I found it challenging and convicting.  I think Rosemond is more focused on ages 2-4, Barna teenagers, and
Turansky and Miller on elementary age children which I think explains
a lot of the differences.

Positively and negatively, the book is very "evangelical."  It is unapologetically Christian–using many references to the Bible.  It does not quote any studies or cite data though there is an unnamed "cognitive therapy" approach throughout.  The authors are concerned to develop "right thinking" which for them is mature Christian thinking.  This is good but it is probably disingenous not to admit the psychological roots of their approach.  The way they ground this approach is to liberally sprinkle their approach with references to the word "heart" in the Bible.  This is one of the ways that the Bible is used in ways that are arbitrary and misguided.  As they admit, the word "heart" is used in a host of different ways.  There are many other words in the Bible that convey similar concepts: covenant, love, soul, trust, faith, justice, wisdom, mind, spirit, strength, joy, peace.  Still, their use of the word "heart"  to emphasize that emotions, character and will are important as opposed to just behavior is most welcome.  (Read New Testament scholar Matthew Elliott's book Feel: The Power of Listening to Your Heart (Tyndale: 2008) for more about the importance of emotions for Christians).

Another small example is that the book cites King David as a model father when in
reality Solomon and most of his other children (Absalom) did not turn
out well.

It is obnoxious that the book advertises "Dr. Scott Turansky" when what
he has is a "D.Min"–a three year part-time degree–which hardly
compares to the Ph.D., M.D., and Psy.D. that most other parenting
experts with the title "Dr." have.  (I like D.Min. degrees but they should not be confused with other doctorates.  For more about the D.Min. degree, see my post Advice about Duke Th.D. and Ph.D programs in theology)

Turansky and Miller emphasize "Breaks" rather than "Time-outs" (though they are quite similar). An earlier book by them Home Improvement has more details about this.   

This book recommends the soft-side of parenting–touch, kindness, gifts and sweetness.

I really liked the emphasis on "teaching" and not "justice" (p. 190). 

Even though there are a few criticisms here, I thought all in all the book gives excellent advice that I would wholeheartedly support. 

It is very important that you also read my post:

• Turansky / Miller vs. Rosemond

It also has a disclaimer about how I am approaching these books.